My therapist told me I needed to write a screen play for this chapter of my life. We agreed the name of the book should be: “I Can’t Even Make Up This ..Issh.” I reflect a lot and sometimes I drown in my thoughts. Drown…might not be the right word to use, but I “soak” in my thoughts. Maybe that is a better analogy. I sunbathe in my thoughts. Most of the thoughts are the feel good moments of your sunbath. The warmth feels good to my body, just as most of my thoughts are feel-good thoughts. I honestly have had a great life.
Yesterday and the day before, Sedi and I did more than we typically do. We went to the zoo Friday. I decided on a day to just do absolutely nothing but feed her, change her, and take her to the zoo. We took pictures. We took them so my dad could see her. Yesterday, we supported my sorority, Delta Sigma Theta at a community health event. She is such an amazing baby. I say that often, but I do believe it so much. Afterwards, we went to see my dad again and he was happy as always that we visited him. He watches her. All of the patients at the Alzhemer’s facility watch her, adore her, and say things like, “she is the prettiest, sweetest baby that I have ever seen in my life.” Ms. Sara held my dad’s hand and kept mumbling, “Kiera, you are so smart and strong, while hitting her hand against her head saying, “I am going to die.” Ms. ReRe said, “There is my baby Sedi.” Ms. Beth asked for the thousandth time, “What’s her name?” I say Sedi and two minutes later she asks the same question.
This morning, I sat and reread emails from my attorney, I read a few articles from the newest ABA Journal as I had coffee and watched Sedi on her feeding tube. I took my braids out, washed my hair, conditioned it, and headed to get it rebraided. I wrote down a list of things that we have to do this week. I looked up summer activities that I can take with my God-daughter. I prayed, I put clothes in the washer. I had someone send me an IG post, called her after tears flowed, and realized that post was me.
I had those google memories pop up and instead of reflecting on how great my life was during certain periods, I realized I always get everything that I need! One of the Alzheimer’s residents, Ms. Sara (the one that grabs my dads hand when she gets overwhelmed) suggested a book. She was a librarian. We talked about the ALA conference that’s coming up this summer. We talked about the committee I’ve sat on also. Now, we get to talk about the book that she suggested. I don’t have Alzheimer’s, but I can never remember the title. She can’t either and she hits her head and says, “Kiera I don’t remember.” I tell her I don’t either and go to my amazon account to remember.
This reminds me not to be so hard on myself now, from past mistakes, and future mistakes I will make. This especially reminds me to enjoy my life. Laugh we Sedi and Anthony, open my heart up for love again, love the hell out of me, and ignore all of the foolish stuff that comes from people who have nothing better to do.
One of my PhD courses is about policy and ethics. We discussed information and one of the preliminary questions was regarding people surveillancing you. we are being surveillanced daily. Whether it’s from being in a photo without your permission, one of those blink doorbells, etc. Why this information? Because when asked if I cared about people or a person following me, my initial thought was, I don’t care. I don’t have anything to hide. The public see me for who I am and I’m fine with that. I struggle some days balancing my life. I struggle some days trying to get Sedi out the car while putting bags in my SUV. I struggle some days trying to sit down when I know I’m tired, but realizing it’s time to feed her or take her to an appointment, or having to log into class.
But when I think of all of the above, it’s a beautiful stressor. When I think of the court battle I’m going through, it’s given me more perspective on family law. It’s given me more drive. I spend fruitless money, but it has made me appreciate life more. It doesn’t bother me at all as much as it did initially. I find it quite interesting and it’s forced me to thank God more and more!
I struggle. I don’t cry anymore. I laugh and smile and reflect and praise God more. I watch Sedi in amazement, but I watch Anthony more and tell him how thankful I am. I thank God for him! I watch him in awe. I watch him with Sedi and watch his selflessness. I watch him with me and those reflections take me back to those days he was with me on my worst days, my best days, Sedi’s worst and best days. I watch him and thank God for him!
But as I think about those things that I just can’t make up and the crazy things about life that could break a person, I’m thankful for all of these memories because they have truly reminded me of the power of God.
Thank you for all of them! I sent a text to Jason yesterday that made me stop and thank God! Every single thing that I asked for at the end of 2019, I have. EVERYTHING! #ImGrateful #LOVEMYLIFE #ItsBeenAChallengeButImSurviving
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