Release Your Feelings

At least three times a week I frequent a fitness center. I’ve been pretty consistent for the last month. I joined in November. I feel so much better when I exercise and always have felt better. I’m trying to factor in running/walking, but I have to pace myself.

Anthony is my accountability partner and he and Sedi play during that hour I focus on my health. I came home today and because I left late, I expected her to be sleep, but she was wide awake. He and I laughed and as always shake our head at her. She is busy. Mike said, she is just as busy as Anthony was.

I read a post today that centered around respecting women who are single with bad baby daddies. After reading a portion of my pastors book today, I centered on a part that reminded people to set boundaries. I’ve shared before I failed at that in my past. I didn’t realize that every time I allowed myself to forgive someone, it was ok to truly block them and stay as far from them as possible. If I can be honest, my baby daddy is my biggest, worst, regret of my life. Over the last two years, I had to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself and accept that he is a piece of crap! I had to accept that Sedi is destined to be here and I truly was in the presence of the devil. I remember asking my second ex husband why did he lie so much. His response still tickles me, “…because I lie so much I don’t remember the lie…”

When I look at the progress that Sedi has made, the many doctor appointments that we have attended, weekly therapy appointments, the foolish litigation that the devil of a baby daddy and his attorney has taken me through, the lies and manipulation, the restraining order I have on him, the exhaustion of being a single mom to a g-tube fed baby who was on oxygen, I’m truly blessed that I am mentally strong to deal with this. I use to feel sorry for him, but then I realized we are able to make our own decisions in life to be good humans. I felt sorry for Sedi at one point, but why? The reality is, her dad is never going to be like the great dads I know. People don’t change until … most times never.

I took a four hour parenting online course Friday night. I was being proactive because once the parenting plan is created and he gets the whole ten days a year to total one hundred and eighty days her entire life minus the first two years, this is a requirement. I went though this and I almost started feeling sorry for myself again. I raised an entire child who is twenty years old. This young man is technically Sedi’s dad because he does more than he has ever done for her. He sacrifices for her, he holds her, he gives me a break, and he checks on me to make sure I’m ok when he knows it’s been a long day or week for us.

The question on a recent Twitter feed was “why do women become involved with men who are deadbeats?” If I would have followed my gut that day we left Disney and walked out. I still remember asking about a medicine and I could see it in his eyes that he was lying. I let it go because I felt it was probably embarrassing.

At church for the Black history event, another red sign, but I let that go too. There were so many of them and as he shared, I kept walking away (or as he said breaking up) and only if I would have but then I would not have this testimony.

I can encourage young girls and women who have sorry ass baby daddies to continue pushing themselves. I checked my grades today and it is official; I am a third year doctoral student! My goal is to graduate in two years; 2025. I survived despite having to do what has been truly exhausting and hard. Despite having s piece of crap baby daddy who has lied and has done everything to attempt to abuse me via the litigation system, I’m too strong to be broken. God is with me! Like he told the devil with Job, you can do certain things, but you will not harm my child. This same thing applies to me.

As I think of women who are embarking on the same/similar journeys, I pray for their peace. I pray that they are able get down time. I pray that they continue to focus on themselves. I pray that they fight for their child. I pray that don’t ever blame themselves. I pray that the hate they probably have bottled up is released because it will only cause health issues. And most importantly, I pray that they accept what has happened and don’t blame themselves for falling for the piece of crap person that ultimately will be known as a sperm donor.

That is funny to me because I asked God to give me a baby before 40 and I planned to go to the sperm bank. I was adamant that I did not want to be in a relationship and to marry me would not be easy. I failed myself but the blessing that Sedinam has been superseded anything I could have asked for. And the lessons from having a trifling, no good, piece of crap baby daddy that continues to lie, deceit the system, and unfortunately does so little for Sedinam that it use to be extremely hurtful. Sedinam has strangers that contribute more to her and the child support that I have received typically pays my legal fees to create a parenting plan. I’ve spent so much money on a partying plan and answering frivolous motions that it’s certain his attorney is not looking at the best interest of the child.

But it’s life and my encouragement to any other single moms is; you got this girl!!! As much as we don’t want to be superhero’s, we are and while it probably hurts (for me it’s ONLY because my daughter will never have the dad that I have or the one my son has) it’s ok!

Stay strong sis and most importantly don’t ever ignore those red flags because as I tell Anthony, we all make dumb choices but to continue making the same one is insane …

#ImASingleMomWithAHorribleBabyDaddy #ImSoTireeOfPayingLegalFees #IveSpentOver12KForAParentingPlanForABabyIHaveDaily #IAmDisguistedWithMyChoiceButIveHadToLetThatShitGo #HisAttorneyShouldBeDisbarredForPastHarrassingEmailsToMe #ImNotBitterButIWishHeWouldLeaveMeBeAndSubmitTheTruthAndHeCanGetHisWholeTenDays

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About Me

I have been afforded the ability to accept the many trials, laughs, tribulations that life throws my way and embrace them as much as possible. I am a mom, a lover of life, and person that reflects too much.


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