Happy Mother’s Day

If I can be honest, I have struggled since birthing Sedinam. Initially it was because my body was sore and I felt broken mentally, physically, and mentally. I continued to struggle because I developed this sad sorry for myself. You see, I have been going through a court litigation since September 2021. That was one month after Sedinam was discharged from the hospital. It was also because I was tired as heck! I kept talking to God and asking him, “But, why?” And He did respond back. He told me I would eventually understand but I needed to remain focused. I tried. I kept trying. I would wake up angry as heck.

But then daily I was able to see the faces of both Sedinam and Anthony. I was able to drive the car that I wrote down I would have three years ago. I was able to go to the school on a full scholarship to obtain my PhD. My law school debt was wiped clean. I watched Sedinam beat the odds. And then my attorney asked me a question that has stuck with me over the last few hours. And all I can do is say, “Thank you, God!”

Over the last week I have had several that have contacted me to ask if I could be their listening ear. They are not complete strangers, but they are women who I have not had close relationships with. They shared they watch my social media, I am inspiring, and asked what is my secret. Heck, it is no secret that I cry. I cry hard. I cry ugly. I cry long. I have cried myself toward a headache. I cried one day and Anthony came to just hold me and remind me, “it is going to be ok.”

I’ve been more than fine lately. I am back to that peace I developed at the beginning of 2020. I don’t know if yall remember, but I flew to see Oprah in Minnesota in January 2020. When I tell you I was at peace with my peace (I’m going to create shirts with this up there), I was enjoying myself at that very moment. I had a great holiday trip, I enjoyed my studio apartment (minus the marijuana seeping through the vents), enjoyed my position at the university I was a professor, and accepted the crap that I had endured. I read my blogs from this time while I hate that I went through stuff over the last few years, I am beyond happy that I did.

And as I reflect on all the great things that have come out of this, I really have no reason to feel sorry for myself. I took a look in the mirror the other day. I am a bit heavier than I would like to be, but I can fix that. I had my hair pressed out and I don’t have a single grey hair (LOL). My dad is doing well! I survived two years of my PhD program. I just realized (thanks to Sedi) how hard many single mothers have it and I am thankful that for the last twenty years, I worked on myself, I conquered academic goals, personal goals, and career goals. Ya’ll, I still remember my dad telling his male students (he was a teacher) any time that complimented me, “my daughter cannot have a boyfriend until she finishes her four years of college.” Everytime I visit him nowadays, he asks me “how is school?” Despite him having Alzheimer’s he remembers I am working on my PhD. I will be one of the few Black women to hold a PhD/JD combo and while this does not negate what I have endured or the emotions that are natural responses to life, I am blessed.

I sat today in a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, freshly braided hair in front of the television. I watched “Queer Eye” season 7. I cried. Episode 3 was beyond inspiring and I became so fascinated with the young man, I followed his social media and I cried and couldn’t stop. Sedinam was sleep, I had a moment to just relax, and his strength and courage has encouraged me. Anthony reminded me a few weeks ago that I did neglect myself. He told me that I have always exercised, listened to podcast, and always had this optimistic view on life. That was his push to get myself together. I LOVE my child. His card today also made me cry. And his gesture of coming to get Sedinam, change her funky diaper, and tell me to take time for myself showed me what type of human being I raised.

As a single mom, I know there will be many challenges. As a single mom, I know that there will be many more tears. As a single mom, there will be many more exhausted nights as I push forward with this PhD program. As a single mom, there are so many more doctor appointments. As a single mom, I do have control over my thoughts and today (it actually was a few months ago) I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. Why? What do I have to be ashamed of?

Today I celebrate three years as Sedinam’s mom. May 2021, I held her for the first time. She was born March 24, 2021. I birthed a 13 ounce baby. We survived. My then 18-year old was present with me in the delivery room. Since she arrived home, August 12, 2021, he has been a constant reminder of what love means. The love that I have given him is shown with his actions to help me with his sister.

The question that I am asked is how have I survived being a single mom to Sedinam with all that she has been faced with. Truthfully, I don’t know why God gave me this blessing. There is a God. God has used her to push me. He has used her to encourage others because He has pushed me to share this testimony. I still remember the very first blog I wrote. The anxiety that I felt sharing me was scary. I was so nervous. What would people say? And then…I just stopped caring. We all experience #ThisThingCalledLife! WE have control over, but that is only if we focus on our purpose. I cannot say that I am completely healed, but I can say that what bothered me one year ago, even six months ago has no effect on me any more.

I stood in the mirror about one year ago. I had lost all of the weight from Sedi, but I had a scar that I couldn’t see, but could feel from the emergency c-section. I remember when I had to go to wound care for the 10 weeks and had to visit my OB/GYN post Sedi as well, they constantly shared how the scar looked great. I didn’t think so. I was almost 40 and the only scar I had was from that journey with the oven (ya’ll remember that?). I realized that I birthed a baby, had to have an emergency c-section, but that scar made it real. I remember rubbing it all of the time. Sometimes I did what I do best..cry. It was a constant reminder of the pain. I remember it was the same thing from the oven scar on my leg. I was supposed to get stitches, but I took time to care for it. But this was different, at least I thought. I went to feel it a few months ago and while I know it is there, it does look great. It does not feel or look the way it did.

For Mother’s Day, I am continuing to give myself grace, embrace all of my battle scars, and enjoying every moment of my home filled with the love of the #once13ouncebaby who is busy and walking, the 20-year old who just finished another semester of college, and the dog who allows the baby to do whatever she wants. My life is not imperfectly perfect, but it is perfect for me!

Happy Mother’s Day!!

This mother is focusing on peace and all that she has to be thankful for!